


A Tub of Vanilla Icecream

by dildosalad (galacticCannibal22)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Awkward Sexual Situations, Domestic, Drabble, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Karkat is a wingman, Karkat is tired of their shit, M/M, One of those AUs I know, References to Depression, davekat is so incredibly minor that you have to squint to see it, karkat's pov, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:05:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7338355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticCannibal22/pseuds/dildosalad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For fucks sake, Sollux, you've been crushing on this fucktard for at least an entire year now. Can you please just fucking do something about it or stop coming to me to complain, I'm getting tired of hearing you gush about how much you hate him."</p><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you need a fucking aspirin for the pounding headache roaring through your ears. It wouldn't be so bad if your friend here would just shut up and listen to you, but he's too busy being a self-centered asshole to listen to what you're saying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For Fucks Sake

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many unfinished works, but just hear me out- actually, never mind I don't have any excuses other than laziness. 
> 
> If you want, my tumblr url is dildosalad (same as above) *shrugs* cause why not?

"For fucks sake, Sollux, you've been crushing on this fucktard for at least an entire year now. Can you please just fucking do something about it or stop coming to me to complain, I'm getting tired of hearing you gush about how much you hate him."

  
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you need a fucking aspirin for the pounding headache roaring through your ears. It wouldn't be so bad if your friend here would just shut up and listen to you, but he's too busy being a self-centered asshole to listen to what you're saying. Currently, you are standing in the laundry room to your dormitory, shoving your dirty clothes into a washing machine and having one of the most irritating conversations of the century.

  
"Kk, that's not how it works! I can't just walk up to him and say, 'oh hey, by the way, I've had a raging crush on you since day one of freshman year, please date me'." Your best friend, Sollux, is sitting on one of the dryers lisping up a storm. He's moving his hands around as he talked, making stupid motions with them every time a word slipped out of his mouth. He looked incredibly flustered, as if the current conversation was embarrassing him. You hope it did, you're sick of dealing with it.

  
You continue to dump your worthless pile of clothing into the washing machine, and with as much clothes as you're trying to wash in one go here, it kind of makes you wonder why you haven't gotten this taken care of sooner. How hard is it to walk down to the laundry room and shove something into a machine and walk away for ten minutes? Apparently very hard or you wouldn't be standing here wearing a shirt you've had since high school that was from your old drama class and a pair of Sollux's shorts since you couldn't find any of your own. You ran out of underwear too, but you weren't about to borrow some from your friend here. His shorts look like they are from the woman's section from Walmart, and are for athletic purposes judging by the material. They barely reach past your mid thigh, and you were only an inch taller than Sollux so they'd be about the same on him. You've only seen him wear shorts like this when he goes into those brief depressing periods where he refuses to leave the dorm, instead choosing to binge watch _Game of Thrones_ in nothing but a hoodie and some fucking booty shorts while crying into a vanilla tub of ice cream like he is some high school girl going through a tough break up. He said they are for "ironic purposes" and that just reminds you too much of Dave. They have been spending way too much time together and now they act like they are both the same exact person and you think you're losing your mind. These shorts don't even look like shorts, they look like boxer briefs with slightly more leg room. Or chubbies. Whatever fashionable name there is for men's shorts that don't reach the knee. You'll ask Kanaya about that later.

  
"Dude, that is exactly how it fucking works. Just tell him you like him. Boom. Done. You guys are dating and having gross sex everywhere, blah blah blah." You sniff a shirt to check if it is dirty because you can't remember when you wore it last. It reeks of alcohol and you gag. Maybe that's why you don't remember.

  
"No! There's no proof that he even likes me back..and I really don't want to get shut down, because I'll just blast stupid sad love songs for days and drive you insane." He retorts, throwing his face into his hands. You decide not to comment on how his lisp made him say "thong" instead of "song", because he'll just get pissed at you and leave. You don't want him to leave because you'll need help carrying all these clothes back to your dorm.

  
"He talks about you all the fucking time, Sollux. You should hear how he fucking describes you. It's like you're some fairy princess that lives in some fancy magical kingdom and he's the prince trying to get to your tower and confess his love or something." You scoff, "Yesterday when we got coffee, I asked him to text you to ask what kind of coffee you wanted but he said there was no need because he already knew what you would order. If that isn't a clear sign of something, I don't know what is. All those romantic novels and movies I have read are a lie and I am just spewing bullshit out of my mouth. And since when did he know your favorite coffee? Have you guys been hanging out and not telling me?"

  
Sollux groaned into his hands and tilted his head back up to give you the stink eye, "It's not like I have to tell you every time I hang out with someone, Kk. And for your information, yes we have been hanging out. After Mr. Slick's lecture we go and get coffee from that one shitty cafe down town and talk."

  
"Oh my god, that is so gay. You guys are so gay, please date, you're killing me here. You're telling me you guys walk five fucking blocks together to go to a coffee shop and talk? Oh man, do you guys listen to poetry together too-"

  
"Oh my fuck, please shut up!" Sollux's cheeks are red and he is trying his best to hide it, but it's impossible now. You've already seen the blush and he knows that. He crosses his arms and pouts. _Pouts_. This twenty-one year old man is sitting in front of you and pouting like a child that just had their candy taken away. What a fucking baby. Why are you even friends with this guy? You ended up having to use two washing machines for all your clothes, and even had to borrow an extra quarter from Sollux because you never bring enough change. The two of you stand there in awkward silence until it's time to switch the clothes over, and he even helps you carry them to the dryer.

  
Sollux has had a raging crush on one of your good friends for about whole year now, and it's starting to make you want to tear your hair out. It was like he was too stupid to figure out or understand was that yes, Eridan _the-biggest-douchebag-of-all-time_ Ampora, wants him just as bad. They have been awkwardly flirting with each other since you finally got them to stop fighting, but they won't do anything about it. Instead, they come running to you complaining about how much they like each other. It lost its fun after the second month.

  
You don't bring the crush subject up again for the rest of the night, finding it useless to try and get your point across anymore. You order Sollux a vegetarian pizza (him being vegetarian would be perfectly fine if he just ate like a normal human being, meaning three meals a day instead of living off junk food and forgetting to eat for days until you forcefully shove food down his esophagus) and yourself some chicken wings for dinner, and the two of you respectively curl on the opposite sides of the couch to watch the new season of _Orange is the New Black_. You're on episode seven when your phone buzzes, and you sigh as you're forced to tear your eyes away from the screen to see who is messaging you.

CA: kar i think i havve a crush on sol 

Are you fucking kidding me? Is he just now figuring this out? You groan loudly in irritation, but Sollux makes a shushing noise, as the show was still playing in the background. You roll your eyes and respond to the text, trying your best to not just chuck your cell phone into the wall.

CG: WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN STRESSING THIS WHOLE SITUATION TO THE BOTH OF YOU? 

CG: IT'S LIKE YOU BOTH HAVE YOUR HEADS SO FAR UP EACH OTHERS ASSES, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU GUYS MORPHED INTO THE SAME DREADFUL, DEPRESSING PERSON. 

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO DEAL WITH EITHER ONE OF YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT EACH OTHER FOR ONE MORE FUCKING DAY, AND TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU TWO LIKE EACH OTHER BUT REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT 

CG: I AM GOING TO GO HAYWIRE. I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU BOTH AND SHOVE YOU TWO INTO A CLOSET AND REFUSE TO LET YOU OUT UNTIL YOU EITHER A) CONFESS YOUR GAY LOVE OR B) START MACKING ON EACH OTHER, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY EROTIC SOUNDS COMING FROM EITHER OF YOU, EVEN IF THERE IS A WALL THAT SEPARATES US. THAT SHIT IS GROSS AND I ALREADY HAVE TO LISTEN TO SOLLUX MOAN ENOUGH SINCE I FUCKING LIVE WITH HIM AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO HEAR YOU TOO. 

You go back watching your favorite show, arms crossed over the blanket you were all cuddled up with. It wasn't even five minutes until your phone was buzzing again. You eventually just got up and stomped your way to your room, as you couldn't concentrate on the television with a needy asshole texting you ever two seconds. You'll catch up later and pray to god that Sollux doesn't spoil anything for you.

CA: you havvent been stressing anything 

CA: all you havve been doing is yelling at me about howw stupid i am for not trying to stick my hand dowwn captors pants

CA: wwhich isnt telling me anything i need to hear

CA: so can you please just tell me straight up if that asshole likes me back or not so i can stop stressing ovver howw i feel for at least fivve minutes

This purple text is starting to give you a headache. You plop down on your bed and curl up on the clean clothes you have just washed and have refused to put away just yet. None of your lights are on, and the only source of illumination is coming from your phone and the orange light shining in from your window. It was just your luck to be assigned to a dorm where the street lights were placed ever so convincingly right in front of your bedroom window. When you first picked your room, you thought you got the better deal because the closet was bigger. Now you wish you had Sollux's nice and dark room instead. Back to Eridan though, you hiss through gritted teeth in annoyance. You have been telling him Sollux liked him back for the past three months. What was it with these guys and the fucking validation?

CG: HE LIKES YOU BACK.

CG: HE IS SO INCREDIBLY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU THAT I CAUGHT HIM DOODLING YOUR NAMES TOGETHER IN HIS CHEMISTRY TEXTBOOK AND DRAWING HEARTS AROUND IT LIKE SOME AWKWARD GIRL MOVIE TROPE WOULD DURING AN EARLY 2000s CLICHE HIGH SCHOOL ROMANTIC COMEDY.

CG: HE TALKS ABOUT YOU 24/7 AND ONCE EVEN TOLD ME THAT HE THOUGHT YOUR HAIR WAS VERY SOFT LOOKING AND HE WANTED TO TOUCH IT.

CG: ONE TIME DURING PHILOSOPHY CLASS, HE TRIED TO GRAB YOUR HAND BUT AT THE SAME TIME, YOU RAISED YOUR HAND TO ANSWER A QUESTION AND SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE.

CG: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

CG: THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST SAD HILARIOUS THING I COULD HAVE EVER WITNESSED.

CG: HE TOLD ME HE HAS TRIED TO KISS YOU ABOUT 32 TIMES AND EVERY TIME HE WENT TO DO IT, HE GOT ALL FLUSTERED AND STOPPED.

CG: I FEEL LIKE I AM ALSO IN THAT EARLY 2000s CLICHE HIGH SCHOOL ROMANTIC COMEDY, PLAYING AS THE ROLE 'BEST FRIEND WHO IS TIRED OF EVERYONE'S SHIT'

CG: SO, PLEASE, IF YOU FUCKING WILL, ASK HIM OUT ALREADY SO I DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS UNNEEDED DRAMA.

There was a period of silence on the other end after the flurry of messages you just sent, and you were pretty sure you were left on _read at 9:57 pm_ for twenty whole minutes. After those boring twenty minutes of you just scrolling through Tumblr and scoffing at everyone's ignorance, a loud shriek came from the living room, and you were pretty sure someone just broke into your dorm and brutally murdered Sollux by the sound of it. Before you could even get a chance to grab the baseball bat at the end of your bed to protect yourself, a very frazzled Sollux busted your bedroom door open. You must have looked ridiculous standing in the middle of your room posed in a fighting stance with your cell phone in your hand, the flash on so you could see your attacker. Sollux didn't even seem to notice, and was standing in the doorway with his mouth running a mile a minute, leaving you incredibly confused. Eventually you had to stop him  before he ran out of  breath and died on your bedroom floor.

  
"Whoa, Sollux dude, English please, calm the fuck down and tell me what's going on." You drop your defensive stance and take a few steps closer to your friend, gripping him tightly by the shoulders just in case he did fall over. Sollux stopped rambling and took a deep breath, "Ed just asked me out on a date."

  
It was like heaven opened up right above you and God came reining down, his angels floating beside him and dusting glitter everywhere. You almost went blind from all the light shining down from heaven, and had to shield your eyes. You think you just became religious. Your pores are cleared, your student debt is paid off, and you just won a brand new car. Life is good and you have a wife and seven children with a stable job with decent pay. You so happy you don't have to deal with the awkward sexual tension anymore, it was like life was finally showing you the easier route for once.

  
After listening to Sollux ramble on about he had nothing to wear or he didn't know what to even do for another hour, you happily crawled into the pile you called a bed and fell into the nicest, most relaxed sleep you've had in your entire life.


	2. Backfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let karkat sleep 2k16

"Oh my God, will you two please shut the fuck up!"

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you need some sort of hypnotic medication to conk you the fuck out so you don't have to hear this anymore. It wouldn't be so bad if your earbuds actually drowned out sound and weren't the broken pieces of garbage as they are now. You have to hold them a certain way for sound to even come through them and your hand was already cramping from all the shit-posting you were doing earlier. You are currently in your dorm, specifically on your bed, and trying to drown out the noise of your two friends having the loudest sex possible.

This current situation is sort of all your fault, as you were the one begging for them to finally get together. You thought that finally all that past awkward sexual tension and unneeded headaches would disappear if the two would just date already. What you didn't expect, however, was to be kept up all night due to your roommate inviting his stupid boyfriend over and playing the good old game of hanky panky until at least 2 AM, sometimes even later on a holiday. It would be fine if they were _quiet,_ but nothing is ever quiet for you. Whatever they do in the confinements of Sollux's room is a mystery to you (you hope it stays that way) and very loud. Loud even compared to you, and you are the master of all things loud. It's not exactly the moaning that gets you either, it's the loud creaking of Sollux's old bed that he has had since grade school. You've begged him to get a new bed since you could remember, especially when the two of you moved in together. No, it wasn't the mattress that was a problem, it was the actual fucking bed frame. Not only is it metal, but it is one of the most irritating things you have deal with since moving in with him. You can't even roll over without the thing creaking loud enough to be heard all the way into the living room. And since Sollux practically thinks sleep is a sin, you are thankful you don't have to listen to that god awful creaking noise often. Or, that's how it used to be  until he got a boyfriend. Now you listen to that noise about every night, not counting the days that Sollux stays over at Eridan's place and for that..you are thankful. You need sleep, too.

Things would be better if Sollux did finally buy a new bed, but the two of you are also dirt stinking poor and food is a little more important to you than your sleep is, as sad as that may be. However, that doesn't stop you from dreaming and you just hope that one day you two could actually afford something that isn't instant ramen noodles or mac n' cheese.  Side note, as your sleep conditions would be better if your roommate got a new bed, your overall sanity would not be. It's not like those two freakizoids only stay in Sollux's room, God no, they have their adventures in the other parts of the dorm as well. Countless times have you come home to find them either a) making out on the couch or b) naked on the couch. Sometimes both. You've walked in on them in the kitchen pressing against the counter tops like a bunch of fucking animals. There was that one time you wanted to take a shower but found them making out there two. It's like they don't even care about who could see them because you've walked down to the laundry room to see Eridan pressing Sollux against one of the washing machine units with a hand shoved down the guy's pants, Sollux making little 'ah' noises into his boyfriend's mouth as they continued to be the grossest couple to ever exist.

You are suffering.

You are the ultimate sufferer.

It is you.

Despite all the pain and suffrage this new relationship is causing you, you're actually pretty happy. Happy for them, at least. You think this whole relationship is good for the two and it is helping them grow as people for once. Sollux can finally start caring for himself now that Eridan is around. He is finally taking regular showers and doing all those health things people need and should do. Mainly for Eridan's sake and not his own as Sollux could care less about his hygiene and appearance. You've had your fair share of gross grimy Sollux and those nasty morning breath kisses he insisted on giving you all those times beforehand. Eridan himself is a health and self-centered maniac who actually goes on runs every morning and eats the right portions of food. You don't think you have ever seen the guy eat anything unhealthy other than that one time on Christmas where he ate an entire box of chocolates while sobbing on the kitchen floor. How come you are always the one finding your friends in their worst hour?  Anyways, Eridan could loosen up. A lot. Sollux being that 'give zero fucks' kind of guy he is has helped with that. You actually saw Eridan wearing sweatpants for once. _Sweatpants_.  Well, your only clean sweatpants that you were planning to wear that day but that's not the point!

Back to the current moment in time and away from your strange inner monologues, those two doofuses have finally stopped their fanatics and you can go to sleep in peace. You pull your crappy earbuds out and place your phone onto your nightstand before curling up into your usual ball. It doesn't take long for your eyes to shut and your conscious to subside. You dream that you're back in high school preforming a play with your old buddy Dave. Back when you guys were..you know. It's pleasant nonetheless.

 

 

There is a bright light filtering in through your window when you open your eyes again and glancing at the clock you realize that it is eight thirty and you slept in past your alarm _oh fuck you gotta go-_

You spring from your bed and quickly rip off the clothes you had passed out in from last night only to go on a frantic quest for clean clothes. Fuck, you need to do laundry again! You add that to a mental list of things you need to do but haven't yet. The only thing you can find are those (previously mentioned) sweatpants and a shirt that says 'Exhibit A' that you really don't remember ever purchasing in your entire life but..clothing is clothing so you'll take it. Remembering that it is absolutely butt-fucking freezing outside (damn you San Francisco), you layer up with a red flannel and a heavy wool black jacket to add to your bland and sad appearance. You slip on your ripped up black sneakers on your way to the bathroom, almost tripping over your almost always untied shoe-laces. Not bothering to deal with your jungle of knotted hair, you go right to work on brushing your teeth and all that jazz. Only glancing up at the mirror for a second, you concur that you look like an Oscar Isaac look-a-like without the sexy stubble (and otherwise hot appearance) that had been tossed through a windmill and dropped into a pile of student loans, self-loathing, and debt. Not all in that order.

Bouncing out of the shared bathroom, you make sure to grab your backpack and sling it around your shoulders before you set your eyes on the front door. However, before you can even touch the door handle, there is a hand on your shoulder pulling you back. Turning to look at who it was, you find yourself staring at a well-rested Eridan holding up a paper bag lunch and shaking it in your face. He's wearing black slacks and a white button-up shirt with a untied tie hanging loosely from around his collar, usual hairstyle consisting of tons of gel and those dorky hipster glasses. Conclusion: he looks way better than you. You snatch the paper bag from his hands only to glance over towards the kitchen table to see a sleepy Sollux enjoying his homemade breakfast of eggs instead of Honey Comb cereal for once. He is only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of underwear, which was his normal lazy attire. He looks..happy. A weird feeling pangs in your gut and you have a hard time placing what that feeling is.

Eridan drives you to class that morning since he was heading out anyway, and you roll out of his fancy car looking like an even bigger mess compared than what you looked like before. The guy does not drive slow..or safe at all. You feel kind of sick. But..you're smiling. There's a smile on your face as you flip Eridan off as a goodbye and run into the lecture hall. You smile that whole three-hour lecture. Your face even starts to hurt. You don't know why your face is betraying you like this and you even raise your fingertips to the corners of your mouth to pull that grin into that frown it is always in. But it seems hopeless, as that joyful expression springs right back onto your face, making your cheeks all sore from using muscles you didn't know you had.

 

 

It was only when you sauntered out of that lecture to find Sollux and Eridan waiting for you that you realized what that feeling was.  You crawled into the very back of Eridan's car and buckled up, holding onto your backpack as if it was the only thing to save you. You didn't say much as your eyes drifted from between the passenger side and the driver's side, studying the two's movements as if it were something you would need on a test. You watched as Sollux reached out and grabbed Eridan's hand, locking their fingers together instead of accidentally getting hit in the face. You saw the glances Eridan took at Sollux while he drove the whole way back to the apartment. You clutched your backpack harder as you listened to their beatific chatter, soaking in the sweet tones of their voices as they talked to each other. You barely noticed that Eridan had taken a wrong turn on the way back home instead of keeping on the main road and heading south. You were too busy watching this beautiful scene unfold before you to protest. It wasn't until everyone had exited the car and headed into Jack Noir's Pizzeria that you could put a word on what that feeling was. Sitting down at a greasy and probably unwashed table with your two bestest friends in the whole fucking world, the three of you dug into probably the best tasting pizza you've ever had. You didn't even care that you weren't all that hungry and had already eaten that sack-lunch Eridan packed you an hour beforehand. You were content. You were..happy. Yeah, you were happy.

Even as you left that pizza place completely stuffed to the brink with possible diabetes, that happiness still stuck to you. If anything, happiness was the real disease you should be worrying about. Practically flopping back into Eridan's car, you mumbled the words 'thank you' as you laid down on the leather seats. Sollux turned around and burst out laughing. That..that genuine honey-toned laughter that started off deep and got more high-pitched as it went on was unmistakably Sollux's. This laugh was _way_ better than the sarcastic scoff you usually got. You like this one much more. Eridan drove slow just for you, not really wanting to clean up any vomit that could occur if he drove at his normal speed. On the way back to the apartment, you thought about how you finally saw Eridan let loose and eat pizza instead of ordering a salad like he always did at Noir's. Good to see the guy actually living for once. That made that stupid smile of yours widen just a little bit.

Yeah sure, they both drive you insane with their asshole and douchebag charisma, but they were still your friends. You can't find anything to verbally complain about at the moment, other than the raging stomach ache you have going on. You curl up on the couch and fall asleep listening to Sollux and Eridan bicker about who gets to pick a movie with a stupid grin still plastered across your face. You dream about being a gray alien in space with green and purple moons, but you wish you were having that high school dream with Dave in it again instead.

 


End file.
